So the short answer is: I just told my company that I was going to terminate my contract and therefore would not be going back.
In the UK you have up to a year of maternity leave you can take. I told my bosses I thought I wanted to come back in 4-6 months, because I just didnt think changing diapers all day was the thing for me. I later confirmed I would come back at the 6 month mark, as my mom was with me thru month 4 and I assumed 2 months of being alone with Ava would be fun but then I'd be ready. After all, the best thing for ME would be to ease back into it in Nov (maybe working from home or part time) so that in Jan I could get serious.
Then a friend told me about what to expect at 6 months -- solids, teething, crawling -- then on top of this nursery which takes approx 1-6 weeks to adjust to apparently. Only to then yank her out of nursery and drag her to America for 2 weeks (a 7 hr flight, 5 hour time difference, and tons of people) only to drag her back and stick her in nursery. Poor girl (and poor me!). So to make life easier for us both, I pushed my start date to February at the 9 month mark.
That means I should be researching nurseries now. Well, Peter's been working crazy hours which includes weekends. While I feel the deployments have prepared me for him being gone so much, I've never had to operate with a child on my own. Also, days are so long here and public transport sucks. So by the time I picked up Ava, ran home, and fed/bathed her... it would be bed time. It just seemed all too transactional. Did we really bring a child into this world for this? When she'd spend about an hr with her parents in the morning and only one on the weekend?
Well, after much prayer, I felt the Lord calling me to trust Him. Scared me and still does. Was I being emotional or irrational or scared?
Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding and in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
There are more verses but those two stuck out. After all, didnt He open the door to London, London Business School, our church, grow us in our faith, give Peter the internship (he was one of 3 chosen out of 300+ applications), for Peter to then get an offer (he was one of 2 who got an offer out of a class of 7), for Peter to financially make enough for me not to work. Ok, God so you've blessed us. But while I've had successes in all my places of work, my one frustration has been pay. I've defined my self worth with that. So much so that I have felt like a failure. So I work harder not because I needed the money, but because I allowed it to be my source of comfort, acceptance, success. Without it, I felt imperfect. So yes I've identified and taken up this sin with God, which means I dont have to quit my work.
But I have decided to leave my job anyways. So I just told my company this last Friday. They were not paying me any Maternity leave pay, so I owed them nothing. I could have ridden my contract out until May 1st and then either turned up at work or my contract would terminate then.
But..I know God wants me to trust Him and I dont want to be the one to stand in the way of Him doing a good work in me or through me. I believe 1) my current employer is not the right company/role to go back to and 2) I'm not sure when the right time or place is to go back to work but I know He will present me with the right opportunity. God has placed a desire for me to work in my heart. So either He will provide me something in the future or change my desire.
So what will I do with all my free time you ask? Well, Ava's still keeping me busy. I'm volunteering with our church to help welcome new people and build the community. Ava and I go visit Peter once a week for lunch. And we socialize with new and old friend. And we spend time with our Amazing God.
:)
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