Selfishness, Confession & Forgiveness

Monday, 4 April @ 620AM. Ok, so this is a bit of a serious story. Ava's up early. She usually stays in the cot in her room until 7am talking and playing, but we've been letting it slide lately because her 5th tooth is coming in which means she is eating less during the day which means she cant sleep until 7am because she is hungry. So for the last week, we've been succumbing to her now yelling (poor girl upstairs trying to sleep!) and getting her out of bed earlier to give her the bottle she is so eagerly expecting. We decided to wait as long as possible, because we thought she was feeling better -- better eater the day before with better sleep. So at 6:50, I thought I'd try something my friend is able to do with her son. I walked into Ava's room, rubbed her tiny fingers holding the cot rail, and whispered "Ava, it is not time to come out yet. Shhh...". She then yelled & cried hysterically. I walked in & said it again, finding her sad twisted confused face which broke my heart. 10 seconds later I sent Peter in to go ahead and start the 5-10 min morning routine with her -- bottle, diaper change, then visit into our bedroom for a morning wave/excited face & kisses. Only this time Ava did not look at me. The one time she did, she glared. Peter put her on the bed as usual, but this time she tried climbing back up into his arms or looking at the computer. After closing the computer, she still avoided me. When Peter walked around to my side of the bed, Ava crawled towards me, but then used my face as a step stool to get to Peter. I was devastated. Whoever says a child will forget if distracted, has no idea. Ava still remembered after 5-10 minutes, her bottle, a diaper & room change. I had already felt so bad for saying what I did twice. But to have dealt with this was quite gut-wrenching.

I've been reading a book recently that talks about communication between you & your child. About asking for forgiveness (not making excuses for why you said something or acted a certain way). About you being a sinner and drawling along side your child in your own walk. So I apologized to Ava. I realized that me asking her to sit tight was selfish & prideful. She didnt need an extra hour's sleep, she was obviously up/hungry, what was 10 minutes in an 11 month's life really going to do. So I physically moved towards Ava and aloud I confessed my wrong to her and asked for her forgiveness. Afterwards, she reached her little hand towards my finger/face and gave me a slight loving smile, and finally came towards me to carry her.

I know it sounds silly, but I do believe she understood me and forgave me. She was fine with me the rest of the day. A friend said the other day that though these kids are physically, mentally, and emotionally immature, they have a very mature spirit/soul and we must engage with them spiritually in that way. The rest of the day, I found myself pining after her and wanting her to like me and wanting to prove myself to her. I have always felt she was a real person, but for the first time I felt she truly is a real person with her own feelings/desires that I am called to direct and be respectful of. But I realized that I just needed to give her back to the Lord. To ask Him for guidance/wisdom about what to say/do and not. To trust Him to ultimately raise her. To seek only His love & acceptance & desire and not my husband or daughters. I am so thankful there is Jesus and that He is my Best Friend. To be able to access and understand His Word that is timeless and to have His life and His standard to look to for true direction, peace and hope.

As disappointed as I was in myself for my words/actions and Ava's treatment, I am glad it happened. What a wonderful lesson was experienced today. That I should always make sure my words/actions are nurturing and showing her God's standard (and not my own desire for her). That I should always love, respect, and communicate with Ava as a mature person; she is never too young to understand. That God has given her the ability to understand & forgive.